― Dee Duncan
I have always felt lost. I have always experienced this inexplicable feeling of confusion. And during these times, I tend to be extremely depressed, hunched over on the ground, figuratively tracing circles languidly in the sand. I oscillated– exhaustedly, mind you– between two states of being: apathetic and overly emotional. My husband would helplessly watch as I practically dragged myself by my teeth to do the most basic of tasks.
A Little History
My sense of being lost originates from my struggles with finding my footing in life.
Because my parents and teachers emphasized higher education so much in my life, I naturally adopted it as my own goal. If all I had to do was study and do my best in school it would be a cinch… Right?
The natural catch-22 situation with finding work and a lack of a college degree made it extremely hard to find one. I’d have a college degree now if I didn’t have an undiagnosed issue with learning that has only become worse with time.
So, it hurt twice as much when my independent studies told me that college would be pretty much impossible right now.
A tidy and comprehensive collage of all of my failures always stood just within my peripheral. It taunted me when I finally stopped focusing on what was in front of me.
My anxiety, now an elastic band stretched to capacity, had me pinned uncomfortably close– ready to snap and go flying the moment something bad happened.
The persistent feeling of not being able to make it anywhere in life steadily crept behind me. I kept my eye on it and tried to find anything to make that feeling go away. Nothing lasted.
Anybody Got a Light?
Back in January, I was basically facing the end of my rope. I was so morbidly fixated on letting go that it was the only clear plan for my life that I had in a long time.
I had a mental breakdown. I didn’t like the way in which my life was heading because it was overwhelmingly terrifying.
It was at this point that I needed to answer some questions for myself.
- What do I want to do?
- What are some things that I’m good at or like to do?
- If I had exactly what I wanted, what would my life look like?
At first, I was– as per usual– extremely lost and confused.
There was one thing that I knew without a doubt. It was financial security and freedom. Everything else could change, but at the very least I wanted to maintain the ever elusive financial security and freedom. I’ve been looking for it since I was 11 and it was the one thing that if ever found, I’d never let go of. That was a good enough starting point for me.
I never thought that I was really good at anything. I drew better than some, but I never thought it was actually any good most of the time. I’ve always been told that I write really well and that’s one thing that I can sort of feel comfortable agreeing with.
There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I wanted to be in some field in medicine. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be an ER physician, a surgeon, or a clinical psychologist. I think it’s clear that I can’t be all three, but it’s nice to dream.
I wasn’t really sure what I would do with this information but I was glad that I was at least able to get some direction, I guess. I just took what I answered, I clutched it to my chest, and I ran with it.
Ask and You Shall Recieve
After that breakdown, I made this website. I needed something to be proud of. I needed something to work on that would make me feel like I achieved something. I needed something to help heal some really nasty wounds that I had.
It felt like no one would give me the chance to show them I could be great at their job. I needed something that could potentially be a real source of income. At the very least, it could serve as a really banging college application essay.
I needed to make a lane for myself.
I knew that I loved to talk about psychology and medicine and I also liked to write. What better way to combine those two things that I loved than to write about it and help other people while healing myself.
After I paid the necessary costs for having a website, I set everything up and worked on getting my first few posts live. It was in that moment, looking back at my work, that I knew that I could do this for at least a little while and not get tired of it.
But shortly after I did, because motivation levels dropped and I had no discipline to carry me through it. I also hadn’t worked on refining my ideas and my voice. And I just burned myself out because of how hard I go when I’m inspired to do something.
Instead, in an attempt to connect with someone other than my husband, I joined an art server. I hoped that by once again putting myself out there I could find someone who I could feel something with.
What I got out of it was something far more valuable, though. I got a glimpse of what I could be if I were dedicated to my craft.
Shutting Up and Listening
I quickly improved my art with the help of many people critiquing my work and helping me to get better. I had a community of people that I would regularly speak to and come to feel accepted by, something I always struggled with. I felt like I found a home that I finally belonged to.
Then something started to happen for me. Doors started to open. Life started to become easier. It didn’t feel like I had to fight tooth and nail to make progress in my life. Everything went smoothly in my attempt to make a website. There were no kinks in trying to get better at art, I just improved massively. There were no hiccups like there had been before.
It felt like I was being guided in this direction, ya’ know? I couldn’t tell you by who or what, though.
I wasn’t happy, but I definitely felt like I was sniffing out the road to get there. So, I just dedicated hours of my day to drawing and getting better. I spent my time before I fell asleep scrolling through Instagram artists that I looked up to trying to learn by osmosis.
I just… lived in this space, with this mentality that, I could be that if I put in enough hours. I created this energy around me that just seemed to pull in greater opportunities. I was inadvertently raising the vibrations around me and the power to create.
The Law of Attraction: The Role of Intention in Manifestation
Sometime in March or April, I don’t know what compelled my phone to do so, but an email from a woman showed up in my notification drawer on my phone. Initially, I rolled my eyes and suspected that it was spam, but I still opened it.
She was asking me if I would be interested in doing a partnership with them. Apparently, she re-sent emails to me over the course of maybe a month or so trying to get in contact, but they were all sent to spam.
I hurriedly sat up in bed and sent her a response letting her know that I would, in fact, love to get in on this offer. But it would take a few weeks before I would get a response.
During this period of waiting, I took to YT to get a general tarot and astrological reading. I tend to do this when I’m feeling scared or unsure to help bring me some peace. It doesn’t always work, but it’s the most comforting thing I’ve found so far.
There was nothing but good news that I had heard, for the first time that I had ever started looking into these readings. They were said that the past 7 years of shit that I had to trudge through was coming to a close and that 7 years of good things were coming my way. That I was on the right path and I just needed to persevere.
First of all, I was dealing with shit for the past 7 years exactly. And it did feel like I was finally starting to see some progress. And that was the confirmation that I needed to keep it up. All of these different videos I watched resonated with me and essentially said the same thing.
A change was coming.
The response from the woman in the email was the final confirmation that I was looking for.
In the past, I had dabbled with the law of attraction. It worked amazingly, but for one reason or another, I forgot about it over time.
Now I was being reintroduced to something that I knew was right for me. Tarot reading, Astrology, Chakra, and the Law of Attraction. It gave me hope. It gave me direction. And most importantly, it gave me answers when I needed them the most.
Obituary: Letting the Dream Die
Of course, now that I was getting all these signs from the universe that this was the right thing to do for me, I had to look back for a moment because I knew that I was leaving something behind. I was leaving my dreams of becoming a doctor.
I watched a video by The Quietest Revolution where she referenced reading this blog post by Yasmin Mugahed. She recalled a time where her little one wanted to close the door to her car to exercise his independence. However, she quickly noticed that if he continued he may hurt himself in the process. So, she closed the door for him.
In typical toddler fashion, he was upset by this.
For whatever reason though, this got her to thinking about all the times that a door closed in her life. How we fight and carry on about the closed door, failing to understand or acknowledge that there may be a reason for it closing. That the reason may be to protect us– similar to how she protected her son.
We carry on because our ego takes this stance that the closed door is to hurt us; an assertion that we can know what’s best for us in the long-run.
I knew that, unfortunately, because of my issues with learning, it just simply wasn’t a reality for me to be those things; at least right now. I needed to leave the door alone.
And so, I grieved the door and thought back on my experiences.
I admired how beautiful it was. I thought about all the amazing things that were beyond that door. I cried. Like a Taurus, I rammed, clawed at, kicked, and hit the door. I tried to negotiate with the gatekeepers of the door to let me in. I tried everything to make it happen but despite my best efforts– I could not open it.
Eventually, I understood that I could not continue wasting time at this door. I hoped– I hope– that one day I could revisit this door and there would be a crack in it for me, but for now, I had to move on.
I packed away all my things, stole one last teary-eyed glance at the door, and I left with my sights set forward.
Back to the Future
And so here I am– continuing to write for my own website and trying to make an outstanding future for myself and my family. Using the universe to guide my actions and bring me peace when I need it most. All it asks is that I am grateful and that I work for what I want, and I can do that.
I know that it sounds like some silly hocus-pocus type of affair. And I will admit that there is a bit of cognitive dissonance that I have about it, but that’s because of my skeptic nature due to my little skirmish with my religion as a child. But this is a form of spirituality that makes the most sense for me, especially since it has some basis in real physics.
Now, I wouldn’t say that my life has changed 180 degrees since listening to my intuition/third eye/gut/whatever you call it. But opportunities relating to what I am currently doing have been trickling in more than usual. I feel like I see signs or confirmations when I’m looking for an answer more often now.
It has not cured my depression, anxiety, or self-esteem issues. Those will take time and various efforts to heal properly, I think. However, I think I’m making small strides in the right direction.
I don’t think that this is a placebo. I don’t think that this is mere coincidence. I’m a fairly logical person and cold, hard, testable facts generally rule my world. However, there are things that I think cannot be explained by our usual means. And no matter what you attribute those to I think it’s a fair conclusion to make.
I said all of that to say this: If you’re confused, scared, unsure, or lost, just take some time to sit still. Take some time to think. Take some time to just… be and let your intuition guide you. Understand that the thing that you’re looking for is trying to find its way to you the same way you’re trying to find it.
Meditate on that and let it come to you. Love. Money. Whatever you want. It can happen.
I challenge you to make a change to focus intensely on what you want. I challenge you to–instead of being pessimistic– be optimistic. Speak into existence what you want and be still. If it is what you truly need– if it will truly benefit you– it will find its way to you. If you are unsure about what you want, just take the time to be still, the answer will find its way to you
Just take some time to shut up and listen.
Tell me: what are your experiences with the law of attraction? What are your thoughts on it? Do you practice any other form of spirituality? How does that work out for you?
Let me know in the comments below. 🙂
Peace and peace,